It’s never easy to decide if your struggling marriage is still worth fixing or if it has fallen beyond repair. The reality is that many people struggle silently in an unhappy relationship for several years, trying to brush off the signs that divorce might be the best decision.

Ultimately, a happy relationship needs to be built on shared values, goals, lifestyle choices, and healthy intimacy — and if you’re questioning any of those core areas, then it might be time to start paying attention to the following common signs that you should consider divorce.

Conflict:

You never argue: Hear us out here, but you actually are supposed to get into disagreements sometimes. If one or both partners can’t be bothered to fight for what they believe in anymore, that’s a sign of detachment from the relationship. Relationships that learn to struggle together also learn to thrive together.

Fighting is only about winning: Yes, disagreements are healthy, but they should also be productive and able to be resolved through compromise. If either of you is fighting with the intention of gaining power and control, this isn’t a partnership anymore — it’s a dictatorship.

You’re looking for a fight: If you’re constantly trying to test your spouse’s limits, that’s a dangerous game. Maybe you’re hoping that they’ll reach their breaking point first and call the relationship before you do, but in reality, you’re just trying to shift the blame and guilt away from yourself.

Gut check:

You’re hiding your real self: To have a truly healthy relationship, you have to be able to show your authentic self to your partner. If for any reason you’re concealing parts of yourself from your spouse, this is a major red flag.

You feel like you're constantly in “fight or flight” mode: Is your intuition walking on eggshells? Do you have anxiety about coming home at the end of the day or as you head into the weekend? Listen to what your gut is trying to tell you through these worries.

Fantasy vs. reality:

You’re trying too hard to prove that you’re still in love: Are you constantly posting photos to Instagram to show how happy you and your partner are? Hosting lots of elaborate parties or planning big vacations? Maybe even having a second wedding or vow renewal ceremony? If you feel the urge to show everyone how perfect your relationship is, you might actually be attempting to hide the truth or “fix” things in a superficial way.

The fear of leaving becomes less than the fear of staying: Leaving your marriage probably feels really scary — but what about staying in your marriage? If the reality of staying has become scarier than pushing through the fear of the unknown, that’s a strong sign that it’s time to call it.

Relationship check:

You’re not a team anymore: Being in a marriage means being on the same team, and if you’re suddenly using the pronoun “I” more than “we”, this might be a sign that your relationship is in trouble.

Your relationship is no longer a priority: When your kids, your work, your friends, and your dog are always coming first, that neglect can really take a toll on the health of your relationship. Even if it’s not intentional, by continually putting other needs ahead of your relationship, you might just be sabotaging yourself by “quiet quitting” on your marriage.

They’re not your “person” anymore: Who’s the first person you call when you’ve had a bad day? Or the first person you text when you have good news? If the answer isn’t your partner, this might be a sign that you’re feeling disconnected and lonely in your marriage.

Real talk:

Your friends or your therapist share their concerns about your relationship with you: They might even be more worried than they’re telling you if there have been long-standing patterns of troubling behaviour.

You keep choosing contempt and resentment over compassion and forgiveness:  Good people sometimes do bad things, but if you can’t forgive your partner and move forward through difficult times, you’re likely headed toward divorce.

Decision making:

You’ve already made an exit strategy: If you’re already thinking about new bank accounts, credit cards, and real estate, then you already have one foot out the door. Lead with transparency and honesty — rather than indecision and deceit — and be honest with your partner and yourself.

You’re stuck in an indecisive state: If you’re constantly thinking about whether you should leave or not, chances are you most likely should leave, but you’re just too scared to admit it to yourself.

It just feels too hard to be happy in your relationship anymore: We all have our limits and it’s okay to decide that you are just done. If it’s feeling impossible to feel satisfied in your relationship any longer, then it’s time to call it.